Exclusive: Tyson will not fight Holyfield says David Payne

I’ve consulted with my much ignored common sense, accessed with the help of a strong mug of Yorkshire tea and low-lighting, and I can confirm that this fight is not going to happen, I’d encourage you all to breathe, take stock and have a similar internal conversation. It will save you time and energy for other more credible activities, like washing the car or painting the back-bedroom. And please don’t read or believe anyone who tells you different because they’ve probably got an accomplice entering your home through the back door to rifle through your purse. In other news, Prince Naseem Hamed will not be returning to fight Justin Timberlake at catchweight,  Joe Calzaghe will not be fighting Robert De Niro (though he is old enough) at Light-Heavy and Ricky Hatton is as likely to share a ring with Floyd Mayweather again as he is to play wide-right for England on Friday.  I think my work here is done.

For help with any other urban myths or flimsy announcements of seemingly breathtaking news please don’t hesitate to contact me. I have a natural desire to quash such unhelpful rumour mongering. Bah humbug.

Did you hear the one about Evander Holyfield fighting Henry Akinwande in Nigeria? I liked that one. That one was cautiously ridiculous and thus maintained a degree of credence if absolutely no rational thought was applied to it. If clicking on the link meant a 5 second wait as opposed instantaneous access, few would have read of this proposed monumental battle between two boxing geriatrics – not wishing to expend the 5 seconds time on such a frivolous and clearly baseless piece of web waffle. But the land of the web is vast and has an unquenchable thirst and while its instant boxing fans have a habit of reading EVERYTHING. And so these preposterous suggestions get ‘air-time’ and projected substance when in truth the Real Deal is more likely to fight Mike Tyson again* than Akinwande.

* See above.

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